i gonna start with i duno what to say.

true indeed. i really duno what to say. or rather i duno how to react.

in the past, i was a dependent gf. i wanted my bf to sms me whenever he is free, calls me whenever he has the time, and always be with me when i need him.

but for the past 4 yrs. i have learn n grown into a very independent gf. i dont seek spritual reliance on him, i dont rely on him to get things done.

i dont need him to acc me to collect my repaired CPU. i carried the CPU myself all the way back home, which was 2 streets away from my hse.

i dont need him to go musicals with me, becos i know he is not into it.

i dont need him to sms me or call me every now n then. the furthest i wanted was to sms me when he reach home from his drinking sessions or pubbing etc etc.

i dont need him to eat dinner with me everyday after work, becos i know he needs to OT most of the days.

i dont need him to travel with me, bcos as per him, he doesnt have leaves to spare. though i have questions about his leave system but still i leave it as it is.

but when i need him…

to babysit pepper for a mere few hrs, he put plane.
to watch MMA boxing with me, he refused claiming that he maybe need to work OT on a sat, if not, he would be going to the dentist. though in the end, he went msia with his colls (tgt with me).
to collect mooncake with me at taka and watch lion dance finals at ngee ann city on a sat, he said taht he will be playing badminton / kayaking with his guy frens. though in e end, he was idling at home (i give him the benefit of doubt that he did booked the badminton court and kayak place, if not he wouldnt have rejected me).

i dont want a perfect boyfriend. but there are basic requirements of a bf. if i were to turn to my frens to pei mi to collect mooncakes, to pei mi watch boxing, to babysit pepper, so why did i wan a bf for?

if he canot provide for me spiritually, physically, emotionally, (but monetary wise he can la), then… i really dont know why i need a bf for?
to ballot house together?
apart from this reason, i duno others.

he can be self sufficient, revolving around his frens *who mostly are single*, and his colls *who r good ppl btw*.. but what abt me?

i cant be bothered to explain to him what got me started this cold war, becos, i see no point, as i know, til the day i die, he still duno my needs.

he has his own needs, the need to be with his frens, drinking, fishing trips, own space. havent i give him enuff? he doesnt like to talk on phoen, doesnt liek to sms gf, doest like to call gf.. all i come to terms with.

with my studies piling up, the time tgt is lesser n lesser.

and tat night mj with jackie and terry, really set me thinking, if i were to marry him, will he be like the both of them. treating their wives with TLC. of cos they are not the perfect husband, but at least, they do their basic duties as husbands. buy breakfast for wives, ferrying wives to and back from work. respect their wives (becos 1 of them jio-ed mj and he asked the person to ask wife for permission! hahah).

and unlike other bfs who will asked for a talk when they know their gfs are pissed, he only will watsapp “hows ur day, do u wanna meet” if i reject, he will go “ok” etc etc.
he did not even make the effort to look for me after work, and explain and make things right.

he just leave things at it is. maybe in his mind he is thinking “aiya she throwing temper only la, in the past also like tat, 1 day or 2, she will be fine. i shall steer away until she is nt angry”

but the prob is there, the root is there. and im even more doubtful of who am i to him, when he doesnt even make the effort to appease me. by saying “make the effort” i dont mean that watsapping me is an effort. watsapping me and end the conversation with a “ok”, is just (to me), the easiest way (and cant-be-bothered) way out.

maybe getting the flat is wrong.
maybe i m right when i hesitated in applying the flat.
maybe maybe maybe.

today is the 5th day of nt meeting, and im feeling indifferent. very indifferent.

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